The Power Of Jublope

Dear free email provider,

I am trying to sign up for a free email and I don't seem to be able to get past your captchas. I can say the alphabet backwards without skipping a beat, though that isn't helping me here. I know that we shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, it's a free email after all, but let it be known that I can't get in your barn to even look at the horse itself, much less in its mouth. It's not just me, you know. My husband tried, the kids tried, grandma gave it a whirl, and grandpa took an educated guess. Grandpa said the first word is julblope, but grandma called him a fool. I want you to know what our family went through because of this. Below is the conversation as accurately as I recall it.

Grandpa: "I am pretty sure that first word is julblope."
Grandma: "Oh you old fool, it is not julblope."
Grandpa: "Of course it is, what else can it be?"
Grandma: "Heck if I know, but it's not julblope"
Grandpa: "If you don't know what it is, then how do you know it's not jublope?"
Grandma: "What's this, an interrogation?"
Grandpa: "Can we just drop it please."
Grandma: "I'm not dropping anything."
Grandpa: "Yeah you better not, remember when you dropped that candle and the house caught on fire?"
Grandma: "Do you have to keep bringing this up? That happened 40 years ago."
Grandpa: "I lost my favourite slippers in the fire."
Grandma: "Ask me if I'm sorry, those slippers were given to you by your mistress."
Grandpa: "She wasn't my mistress, we only kissed once."
Grandma: "What? You kissed her? I knew it! I think it's time to go visit my lawyer."
Grandpa: "Right, last time you visited your lawyer, you were gone all afternoon. What were you two doing?"
Grandma: "I only saw him for an hour. A UFO landed in the corn field while I was on my way there, and I took some time watching the aliens."
Grandpa: "You suck at making things up, UFOs don't exist."
Grandma: "Julblope doesn't exist either."
Grandpa: "It's julblope."
Grandma: "It's not."
Grandpa: "It's julblope."
Grandma: It's not."
Grandpa: "It's julblope."
Grangma: "it.s n....

Eventually, I moved to the computer in the office, but I can still hear their arguing voices in the other room. Please tell me, is it or is it not julblope?

Thank you in advance.
Julie

Dear Beloved

Dear Beloved,

I am the General Manager in our bank. I have the opportunity of transferring the sum of $7.500.000 (Seven million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) to one of our bank Customer who passed away in the year 27nd february of 2006.
My request for you to stand as next of kin in this business is because the fact that the customer is a foreigner. I want to propose that 40% of this fund gos to you and 60% for me. As soon as you answer, I will give more details of this transaction. Please know that this is a secret.

Thanks,
Raja Island


Hi Raja,
You have emailed this to the Spam and Scam Hotline Helpdesk (SSHH). Surely this was sent in error.
Thanks
William
SSHH Support Team


Dear William,
Thank you for reply. Please be so kind to send your phone number, bank account number and credit card number and we can start this transaction.
I am eager and impatient waiting for your email.
Thanks,
Raja Island


Hi Raja,
By the looks of it, you didn't read my mail too carefully. I am here to protect people against scammers like you.
Let me give you a few pieces of advice:
1) Brush up your English, it's terrible.
2) Choose your email addresses more carefully.
3) Make up a more unique story because the bank transfer horse has been beaten to death.
4) Get a real job.
Thanks.
William
SSHH Support Team


Dear William,
Thanks again for reply. I not understand the horse, I work in a bank, not a barn.
Please kindly send me your bank account and credit card number as well as your phone number. The funds will be disappear if we don't act soon.
We can do 50% for me and 50% for you if that is better.
Thanks
Raja Island


Hi Raja,
Let me spell this out for you.
You have emailed SSHH. We try and trace scammers. We help victims of scammers get back on their feet, we provide a wealth of information, educating people on how to prevent falling victim of scams. Sending us, of all people,  a scam mail is like walking through an open field in a severe thunderstorm while holding a golf club high up in the air.
You're looking for trouble. A request has already been sent to your email service to have your email closed. If you want more, keep replying.
Thanks
William
SSHH Support Team


Dear William,
Many thanks for reply. I don't play golf but thanks for offering, you are very nice person.
Sorry I waited so long for replying to you, my email stopped working and I had to set up a new one. Please send me your information, we need to start this transaction soon. If you not interested, you know someone else who is interested?
Thanks
Raja Island


Hi Raja,
Yes I know someone who is interested, thank you for asking. He is a police officer and a very nice guy. Don't hold what he does for a living against him, he's cool. You will find his phone number in the attachment, please tell him I sent you and give him my kindest regards. Don't forget to tell him where you live, he likes to discuss transactions of this nature in person :)
He says he only wants 10% of the funds and you get to keep 90%
William
SSHH Support Team


* Disclaimer: Please note that it is not my intention to make fun of people who don't speak English well (As a matter of fact, English is not my first language), but I have yet to receive one scam mail in my inbox that is written in perfect English, hence the joking about the language.

Letter to Internet Service Provider

Dear internet service provider,

Thank you much for giving me a new IP, I owe you my firstborn! It will take a while for me to memorise my new IP and I hope I won't be confusing it with my phone number like I used to, but I'm sure that is not your fault by any means.
After your generous offer of a new IP, I went back to the website to register and I ran into yet another problem. You may be able to help me.
Having smartened up, I only tried 19 times to get past the captchas, seeing my IP blocked by them has left me with some emotional damage, so I am trying to be more careful now.
I clicked on the little wheelchair, trying to get some help with said captchas, please see the screen shot below.

My question is, what do I need to plug in and where? For crying out loud, I checked every darn plug in the house, and there is nothing unplugged.
If you can help me out one more time, I will give you four packs of diapers along with my firstborn.

Truly yours,
Johnny

A Cupful of Minery

Dear Windowslive,
My name is Johnny and I am sending you this email regarding an issue I experienced while registering an account with you. During the registration process, I was forced to look at a cupful minery. Don't get me wrong. I understand that you need to add those captchas to verify that I am indeed human. That is not the problem, and I am sure you have enough people bitching about this already. The problem is that I was enjoying a cup of tea at the time when this happened. I looked in my cup and suddenly lost all desire to have another sip. Mind you, the tea was still hot. It was fresh. It was delicious, until the minery appeared on my screen. I quickly clicked the "new" option to generate a new code, hoping to put this negative experience behind me as soon as possible.

Imagine you have just gone through a trauma of seeing that cupful of minery on your screen, you click new to make it automagically disappear, and there comes... moomnud surface. This wouldn't have been dramatic if it weren't for the fact that I happened to look down in my cup of tea and saw something surface. Given, it was the teabag that was still floating in the cup, but seriously my mind went spinning like a ferris wheel. Even though subconsciously I knew it was a teabag, I honestly thought it was a moomnud. Those moomnuds are dangerous, don't you know?

I am writing to beg you, please be careful with those human verification codes, because there are humans looking at them. Perfectly normal people like you and me. On behalf of those people I would like to ask you, please remove the words moomnud, cupful and minery from your collection.. Let's keep us all sane, shall we?

Truly yours,
Johnny

A Little Help From A Friend

[7:16:24 PM] begin chat session

[7:17:25 PM] cookie: hey what's up?
[7:17:26 PM] me: nothing, and you?
[7:17:37 PM] cookie: got a minute to help me with something?
[7:17:38 PM] me: sure, what do you need?
[7:19:08 PM] cookie: I need to clear my cache
[7:19:12 PM] me: and?
[7:19:13 PM] cookie: I don't even know what that is
[7:19:54 PM] me: who says you have to clear your cache?
[7:23:49 PM] cookie: some help desk. Their site looks all squished to me.
[7:23:54 PM] me: what browser and version do you use?
[7:23:57 PM] cookie: no idea, I don't know what you're talking about.
[7:24:04 PM] me: are you serious?
[7:25:28 PM] cookie: do I look as if I'm joking?
[7:25:48 PM] me: I don't know, I'm not "seeing" you.
[7:25:50 PM] cookie: so what's a browser?
[7:25:57 PM] me: the program you use to browse the internet with.
[7:25:59 PM] cookie: can you be a bit more specific? You're speaking in riddles. Sheesh.
[7:27:25 PM] me: are you at their website right now?
[7:27:52 PM] cookie: yes
[7:28:58 PM] me: look up, do you see "help"?
[7:29:02 PM] cookie: I see the ceiling, no idea what you're talking about.
[7:29:12 PM] me: look at your screen, at the line up top, do you see words like file, edit, go, bookmarks, tools, help...
[7:29:19 PM] cookie: oh yes I see help there.
[7:36:03 PM] me: click help and then about
[7:36:47 PM] cookie: there is no about
[7:36:59 PM] me: sure there is, work with me here.
[7:37:36 PM] cookie: I see about internet explorer, is that it?
[7:37:41 PM] me: yes, click on it
[7:37:49 PM] cookie: it says internet explorer 6
[7:37:51 PM] me: heh I don't think clearing your cache is going to help. The website probably doesn't support IE6, that is an old browser version you have there.
[7:38:02 PM] cookie: it worked last month.
[7:38:04 PM] me: whatever. Click tools and then internet options
[7:38:09 PM] cookie: but you told me to click help and then about
[7:38:12 PM] me: that was then and this is now. Click tools and then internet options
[7:38:14 PM] cookie: if you say so
[7:38:15 PM] me: now click delete where you see delete temporary internet files, cookies, saved passwords..
[7:38:22 PM] cookie: I don't want to delete my saved passwords
[7:38:26 PM] me: you won't. Just click there.
[7:38:31 PM] cookie: I really don't want to delete my saved passwords.
[7:38:41 PM] me: YOU WON'T, JUST CLICK THERE
[7:38:54 PM] cookie: don't yell at me :(
[7:38:57 PM] me: did you click?
[7:39:50 PM] cookie: no.
[7:40:08 PM] me: do... it ... now.... or I'm signing off
[7:40:15 PM] cookie: calm down, I clicked
[7:40:22 PM] me: bravo! Clap clap.. now click delete files next to temporary internet files
[7:40:28 PM] cookie: Done, but how about my cache now, how do I clear that?
[7:41:32 PM] me: you just did.
[7:41:36 PM] cookie: I don't know what you're talking about
[7:41:39 PM] me: your cache is just a different word for temporary internet files.
[7:41:45 PM] cookie: ok, but they said to clear my cache, not delete it.
[7:41:52 PM] me: that is the same.
[7:42:00 PM] cookie: how do you know?
[7:42:03 PM] me: it's common knowledge, cookie. It's no rocket science.
[7:42:11 PM] cookie: if you say so.
[7:42:16 PM] me: you've now cleared your browser's cache, like they asked you to.
[7:42:18 PM] cookie: what is a browser?
[7:42:51 PM] me: I already explained that to you.. look up. Or wait.. don't look up, just don't.
[7:43:01 PM] me: do you still have that box open in which you clicked delete files?
[7:43:04 PM] cookie: yes
[7:43:48 PM] me: good. Now click delete cookies.
[7:44:08 PM] cookie: I thought you said I had already cleared my cache.
[7:44:14 PM] me: you have, but now you need to delete your cookies
[7:45:08 PM] cookie: why??
[7:45:15 PM] me: because that'll automatically sign you out of this chat and I get to take a break :)
[7:45:26 PM] cookie: sorry, we're not all computer geeks like you are, have a bit patience with me.
[7:45:41 PM] me: all right, sorry. Forget about deleting your cookies, just go back to that website, is it displaying normally now?
[7:45:50 PM] cookie: no, it still looks all squished. Are you sure I cleared my cache?
[7:45:56 PM] me: yes. You have to upgrade your browser.
[7:46:01 PM] cookie: I don't know what you're talking about.
[7:46:06 PM] me: your browser is outdated, you have to upgrade it if you want web pages to display properly.
[7:46:07 PM] cookie. okay. Can you help me with that?
[7:46:46 PM] me: no

[7:53:08 PM] end of chat session